My Relationship with Grief
*Author’s Note: In this piece, I won’t be diving into the collective grief, anguish and anger felt, especially in marginalized communities impacted by systems of oppression. Instead, I urge all who are reading to stay educated and take action. Here are some links for resources for the recent fires and ways to get involved.
It was only a few weeks ago when I finally came to terms with the fact that I am grieving and am actually very familiar with grief. Truly, grief and I have been walking hand-in-hand through life as a closeted youth, through familial losses in a foreign land, and through more recent jarring events. For so long, I’ve always felt that I didn’t understand grief. As an aspiring therapist, I had always believed that grief and loss would definitely not be a specialty of mine. But, as I relayed my coming out story and the whirlwind that this year has been to newer members of my chosen family, I noticed and named the grief I’ve been holding - the grief I continue to hold.
On Lunar New Year, my grandma - the person who raised me, the matriarch who raised five children across two generations - passed away, and I took it “like a champ.” I chose to be the one to dial 911, to handle the funeral process, to be the speaker and the advocate for my biological family. I didn’t realize it then, but I had been trying to distance myself from grief, like I had been all my life. I haphazardly responded to people checking in on me after her death, doing my best to say what I thought they would want to hear. In reality, I was still reeling because just two weeks before her death, I finally shared with my grandma who I really am - who I love. Her death meant our relationship truly ended with that conversation, and I was shocked by the grief of that permanent loss.
I’ve spent most of my life preparing for the grief to come when my grandma dies. I’ve spent most of my life preparing for the grief to come if, not when, I’d lose my biological family in return for a more accepting, freer life. As if grief isn’t present in the preparation, in the living, before and after an “official” loss. In the coming months, I grieved the passing of a friend, the loss of a job, the loss of more stability. And I’m still grieving. There’s really no end to grief, but this time, with my communities (and of course, with therapy), I’m learning about and accepting the grief that is everlasting, continuous, and connecting. I’m noticing how much I’ve processed, how much I’ve healed, and how I’m still healing.
As I continue forward in my journey, I’ll still be cracking dark jokes, centering laughter, and hopefully excelling at crisis management - not to avoid but to face the pain and grief that inevitably comes in life. And, I also now know what my therapist profile will include:
Amanda Lam (he/she/they/any)
ACSW (I’m an official CSUN MSW Class of 2026 grad student - yay!)
Specializations: QTIPOC, Neurodivergence, Trauma-Informed, Grief & Loss